If I Die Young
by jensonluvsu
Summary: Alec's thoughts on dying and on Magnus. Alec might be a bit OOC. Brief mentions of Malec, so it's K  just in case.


**If I Die Young **

**You MUST listen to **_**If I Die Young**_** by the Band Perry while reading this. Besides just being an awesome song, it's the inspiration behind this fic. **

**Disclaimer: If I owned The Mortal Instruments, Jace and Clary could find a new story! If I owned **_**If I Die Young, **_**I would be the happiest country-music-fan ever. Sadly, I own neither. **

I'm a shadowhunter. Every day, I risk my life to protect people who don't even know that they're in danger. I;ve been nearly killed countless times, and my skin is marred by scars, from old injuries and the Marks I use in vain attempts to protect myself. Izzy and Jace, my mother and father, even Clary, are the same way.

We're stuck in a pointless war, us Nephilium. The demons are faster, stronger, built to kill. We are practically human, with a drop of Raziel's blood as a defense. Where the demons have rows of razor-sharp teeth, we have only as many weapons as we can carry. Where their bodies naturally defend themselves with plates of bony armor and lethal stingers, all we have is a layer of thin leather to put on. It's a wonder as many shadowhunters live to see thirty as there are. Every battle is a suicide mission.

I'm nineteen. I've seen firsthand that nobody is too young to die, not even my eight-year-old brother. I know the risk I put myself in every day. At any moment, in the middle of any fight, I could slip up. Any mistake, even the slightest one, could give the demons the upper hand we work so hard to overcome. Something as tiny as glancing up at my sister for an instant could end up costing me my life.

I've thought about it; what it would be like to die. Would it hurt? What would happen next? Is there a Heaven? A God? How would my family cope, especially after Max? What would you do? What would I do without you? The thoughts are depressing. They hurt, just being in my head. The Angel knows I've spent too many hours awake at night, pouring over the awful thoughts. So anymore, I do my best to push them out of my head when they pop in.

I distract myself. I think of my family. I think of Jace and Clary, looking at each other like nothing else in the world matters. I think of Izzy, for once with someone because of love and not because of lust. I imagine her smile when the vampire enters a room. She glows.

I think about us. I remember the night in the Accords Hall. I think of holding your hand; the way your rings feel pressed into my skin, the way your skinny fingers lace their way with mine, and the smoothness of your skin in contrast with my calluses. I relish in the way you look at me. Your eyes light up and your mouth picks up the tiniest bit at the corners.

I don't want to die, not by a long shot. You, my family, and a sick sense of obligation to the Angel to fight for as long as possible keep me tethered to this world. Every now and then, though, when my mind starts to wander and I can't sleep, I think that I'd be okay if I did die right now. I've had just enough time.

If I die young, I know I've done what I needed to do. I rid the world of a few demons. I served as a mentor and sparring partner to Izzy. I've been her shoulder to cry on, her confident, her accomplice. I was Jace's parabati and his regulator, so now he and Clary can be together. He would have been dead long before that night at the Pandemonium if it weren't for me. Most importantly, I showed you how I felt. I loved you. Magnus, if I die young, at least you know that. If I were not to come back from the next battle, I would have no regrets. And it's all because of you.

You were the first person I loved. You were the first person who ever heard the words "I love you," from me. You made me feel special, beautiful, important. You were the one who showed me how I felt about Jace. You were my first and my only. You could make me smile on even the worst days, and you could take away every ounce of anxiety I ever felt. Without you, I would have died on multiple occasions.

I love the way you smile. It's like Christmas and your birthday and the first day of summer all came at once. You glow. I love the way you coat yourself in glitter. You are the only person I know that could make the stars look dim and lack-luster. I love how you steal kisses when we're watching TV. I love how you watch Gilligan's Island and Project Runway with the same amount of rapture. You look like they're going to tell you the secrets of the universe. I love the way you come running when I'm hurt, even if it's just a paper cut. I can see it in your eyes; you'd bear the weight of the world if it spared me any pain. I love that about you. I love being with you, being yours.

I love you, Magnus Bane. You are the reason I could die tomorrow and not have any regrets. Because of you, it would make it easier to die young.

**Review! Tell me what I'm doing wrong in the comments, because I know I've done something wrong. **


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